Narcissism and its Discontent

Definition

Narcissism is one of several types of personality disorders. It is a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration that troubles relationships and lack of empathy from others. But behind this mask of extreme confidence lies a fragile self-esteem that’s vulnerable to the slightest criticism.

The word 'narcissism' stems from Greek mythology. Narcissus, a young hunter and an exceptionally handsome man. One day, tired from hunting and the heat, he lies by a splendid spring. As he is drinking the water, he sees his beautiful image. He falls madly in love. He refuses to drink water from the spring for he feared that his lovely image will disappear. In time he wastes away, still enamoured with himself and his death is marked by the growth of a single flower.

“NARCISSIST”, sounds offensive, doesn't it?

Social Narcissism reflects our current cultural reality. Its growth is an increasing challenge to the businesses worldwide. Narcissism is the most overused, misunderstood and problematic word of our times. The Narcissus, in our un-mythical world, we are surrounded by these selfish, thirsty beings. Like our parched GREEK FRIEND, they are addicted to feeling special. Admiration is everything. And if left unchecked, this cyst boils over into feelings of entitlement, blame, overrating one's abilities, lashing out at criticism, arrogance and bullying, with very little room for empathy. In fact, many people award them grudging admiration for their success. This allows everyone else to replicate these abusive behaviours by either mimicking or self-developed. The definition above mentions narcissism as a medicalising bad behaviour. It is not actually a diagnostic term. Narcissism Personality Disorder is a diagnosis because these people don’t show up to be diagnosed anyhow.

Narcissism is a personality pattern. It is a way of relating to the world much like we describe someone as stubborn or agreeable or introverted. Some of these patterns are valued in the society and others aren’t. As a matter of fact, most people don’t get called narcissistic as a compliment. How much ever we accept to not accept it paradoxically, we reward it. Dr. Allen Frances, one of the architects of the diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder and he argues that “we actually give badly behaved people an obtainability”call it a diagnosis. When a person is cruel, rude or narrow minded disliking the pattern of this behaviour doesn’t make it a mental illness. That person must be experiencing problems in their life.

If we enlist “things” that make up narcissism, we funnel it down to an uncomfortable highpoint. Narcissism comprises of certain pillars like lack of empathy, lavishness, entitlement, hollowness, admiration & validation seeking, hypersensitivity, rage & a tendency to manipulate and exploit people. Their behaviors are quite confusing as they tend to be emotionally detached but they are hyper-responsive. They have temper triggers that sets off in no time. When their fragile egos get threatened. Narcissism is synonymous with PATHOLOGICAL INSECURITY.

The key to understanding a narcissist is that they are constantly feeling empty & unstable. Their lavishness is actually an immature defence to a threat against their sense of self and they are desperate for everyone to keep validating them. On their good days they look happy, great, lavish but on their bad days the disguise crushes quickly & we see misappropriate rage, shame and cruelty. The commonality in narcissistic people in relationships is clear that these relationships were being balanced simultaneously by hope and fear. Hope that someday it would get better if they kept trying and fear that if they fall out of the relationship the will be left alone forever.

The world is more insecure and the reasons are varied. It is observed and researched that more of sadness, anger, stress & physical pain. The increasing insecurity in our world and the platforms that capitalize on it has created an optimal fertile ground for narcissism to raise and flourish. When human value is driven entirely by external incentives like success. The qualities like empathy do not have a fighting chances as they are no longer valuable. Narcissism is tempting making it an aspiring form of personality trait. There are what we call the three ‘C’s of narcissism Charm, Charisma and Confidence. This doesn’t mean that all charismatic and charming people are narcissistic. However, we know that the characteristic is so attractive that they increase the chances that we are blinded to more toxic characteristics that unfold at the same time.

When a person is in a relationship and know the partner is a narcissist why do people still continue?

Well it is because all of us are exposed to those narcissistic charm, charisma & confidence. In fact, we may be more defenceless for being abuse by the narcissist. If we originate form a family in which the pattern of narcissism was normalized such as having a authoritarian, distant invalidating or abusive parent. Our own insecurities render us weak and stop us to climb out when the charming and charismatic personality turns into invalidating and abusive. Most of us are great in giving second chances and are major accelerant for narcissism.

When we are in a narcissistic relationship we tend to make excuses to cover up:“that’s how he is. He didn’t really mean it.” And that’s how the prevalent obsession in any form of narcissistic relationship, whether with an individual/family/company/culture at large can slowly increase and take over. We consider giving a second chance is committed. Our culture is immersed in the tales of hope, redemption & forgiveness. Considering it warm and healthy but when in the wrong hands, hope and forgiveness may not represent as an opportunity, for growth/change or restoration. Rather, a permission to just keep things going as they are because for narcissists forgiveness is interpreted as a characteristic they carry which gets appreciated and gives respect.

Have we created a world where narcissism is becoming necessary to succeed in the new worldly order?

Here is a split in thoughts and acceptance as the very quality associated with materialistic success are actually bad. Because, while these qualities may be festered and fostered by our cultures, society, schools, economies and communities remember they are never going to do any good to our most valued and close relationships. These relationships includes parents, children, siblings, extended family, friends, colleagues, business associates, spouses & partners.

In the most intimate relationships we see profound impacts of narcissism. A relationship with a narcissist is a gradual teaching where one slowly becomes habituated to their lack of empathy, tantrums, rage, insults, their entitlements and challenges to our realities. Their insulting words slowly become your self talk and before you realise you form a new belief that “I am not enough”.

Narcissistic Parent

They undermine the fundamentals of healthy relationships. Basic fundamentals of mutuality, respect, compassion, patience, honesty and trust. These are things which are not characterised in a Narcissistic system or a person.

Anyone who has or had narcissistic parent will acknowledge, it was the foundation to who they are today. It has taught a sense of insecurity in a chronic wordplay at psychological level. From an early age, narcissistic parents leave a legacy, including an inability to trust ones own instincts, to safely enter relationships and a lifetime spent trying to gain notice of the unapproachable, detached & disconnected parent.

Narcissistic Leader

The proliferation of narcissism in our culture, governments, companies and world have created very difficult workplaces. The narcissistic boss is the insecure tyrant. They create a workplace ruled by fear and deception, abuse and unkindness.

The most painful realization is that narcissistic patterns are just not that agreeable to change. At the minimal the narcissist has to recognize the harmful pattern of their behavior then they want to change it and then they have to put it in the daily word of change. There is a small number of cases where that somewhat happens, but under conditions of stress and frustration the usual issues of rage and anger will pop up. Thus, making the rubber band of personality returns to it usual shape and size. The small changes may not be enough to make a close, intimate relationship sustainable. If somebody is not ready to recognize that they need to make changes because they are hurting other people, there is a little likelihood that they will go in for a change. But there is a likelihood they will continue to blame other people, the world or you for their bad behavior. Can there be happy endings where narcissistic or antagonistic personalities and cultures are connected? The greatest challenge about happy endings in real life is that they rarely look like the ones we crafted when we are young. Its easy to get stuck in our own old narratives. People who come from narcissistic families may feel as though they missed out on having a parent who is an ally or supporter, even as they go to adulthood. People who are married to narcissistic partners may find themselves stuck in a nightmare of emotional abuse. So how do we, as business owners, as managers, leverage these challenging personalities, to ensure that we have successful businesses and positive working environments? (Business/ organizational solution) You all know one! You might even have interacted with one! You might even be one. Well, one thing we know for sure is that their numbers are increasing. High time we need to have a solution in place for Narcissistic people. Regardless of the cause, narcissist people can be extremely difficult to employ and even harder to work for. The first step is to hire accordingly. In this situation, you must know that these personality types exist. You must lookout for it. By doing so, you can help to screen and clear out those pathological, and the extreme narcissist. We know that those personality types are extremely toxic and unproductive in the workplace, even as leaders. Additionally, when you're screening, you need to identify not only the job skills that are required, but the personal skills that complement that job. By doing so, you can actually use the strengths of these personalities to your advantage. We know that they're extremely persuasive. We know that they function well as islands in and of themselves. We know that they can be very engaging, and they're also extremely dedicated. So, by clubbing the personality skills with the job itself, you can ensure greater success. Second Step, define your environment. You must lead and empower the leaders. If you don't lead, the narcissists will. Additionally, create a in-group like environment. This is a team organized spirit, the greater good rules. Make sure you have a group. Group success is your measurement for all individuals. By doing so, you can ensure a much greater, powerful workforce. Additionally, they need to be fed constantly and frequently. We need to feed them with praise. We need to give them raises and incentives, again, frequently. Again, we need to appraise them as well and give them constant feedback on how they're doing. Finally, Third Step, we need to create a supportive work environment, not only for the narcissistic personalities, but for everybody else. By doing so, you can ensure that there is good communication, and if there is behaviour that's offside, that it can be checked quickly, and without any kind of penalties to those people reporting them. Next, you need to clearly set your expectations. Not only defining the job skills required, but the overall workplace behaviour that's acceptable to you. The more specific you are, the better off you are. This, again, has to be reinforced frequently. People need to be reminded that this is actually what is required. Next, accountability at all levels. People need to be reminded that confidence does not necessarily equal competence. Documentation is also important as a protocol for this type of personality. We know that narcissists tend to be highly arguable. So, you need to protect yourself, your employees and your business by documenting poor work behaviour and clearly advising what next steps are. Last but not least, there needs to be a clear disciplinary process in place. This needs to be applied at all levels, from the CEO down. It needs to be consistently applied, and there're no free passes. By doing so, you can increase morale in the company itself and have consistency in the application process. By following these three steps, you can effectively leverage these challenging personalities and cultivate an environment where all employees and your business can bloom and thrive. All of us are bigger than this epidemic of narcissism. Any of us can change the ‘you are not enough’ narrative that still resonates. We can re-parent ourselves. Where there are scars, beautiful things actually can spring forth. Khalil Gibran writes, “out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.” Yes, the world is in fact becoming more narcissistic and insecure. Don’t let this global trend of rudeness affect you. Protect yourself, find your communities, find common grounds with other people instead of living in polarization. Practice kindness and empathy even when people are not. Choose your romances and friends with care. Every life story can be a miracle or a tragedy. It just depends on how you write it. These days when the world is in such a disarray anyone who is suffering with their empathy unbroken, their heart sound, their integrity in place and their sense of humor intact is nothing short of determined.